Is it wrong to feel ashamed?

The last 10 days have, to put it mildly, been a real fucking challenge.   Fleur has been the most unsettled I have seen her for a long time, there have been numerous triggers for this,  including noisy girls at school, time of the month,  Christmas and most upsetting for me, her Birthday.  Tomorrow Fleur will be 13.  For me this is a huge occasion, one that I want to throw a party for,   shower her with gifts and  truly celebrate this milestone, this is magnified by the fact that when she was 2 weeks old I was told she had a 50/50 chance of survival.

But instead, we are ignoring it to the point of silliness,  if anyone dare mentions it I feel scared that it may tip her over the edge, I keep having flashes of that very famous episode of Faulty Towers, you know the one… Don’t mention the war!

I feel so sad I can’t even cry, I feel ashamed that I resent her for the fact that she is denying me the chance to truly celebrate the wonder that is her.   So instead of all the balloons, cake, candles and banners,  tomorrow will be a normal day, her presents will be snuck into her room unwrapped to be found after school with no mention of why they are there.  It will merge into all the other mundane days that we survive, but in a quiet 10 minutes of the day, I will sing a very quiet Happy Birthday, light a candle, and thank all the distant beings that live beyond our galaxy for blessing me with her, because I know deep down that she is the most amazing beautiful sole,  she is my Fleur.

Happy Birthday beautiful girl.

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